Dwight Schrute on HR
In an appearance last week on The Daily Show, John McCain announced to the world that he has selected a running mate for the upcoming election: Dwight Schrute of NBC’s The Office.
Click here for the video. Here’s a transcript of the actual exchange:
McCain: Listen, I know you’ve been wondering who my vice presidential candidate is going to be.
Jon Stewart: Let’s hear it.
McCain: I’ve got it written down. You ready?
Stewart: Uh-huh.
McCain: You heard it here first.
Stewart: All right.
McCain: Dwight Schrute.
(Audience erupts with wild applause.)
Just in case McCain wasn’t kidding (and we’re not 100% sure he was), we thought we’d put together a handy guide to Schrute’s views on key HR issues to help educate our readers:
On workplace decision-making: Whenever I’m about to do something, I think “would an idiot do that?” and if they would, I do not do that thing.
On health care: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.”
On how to motivate new employees: I am going to be your new boss. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
On how to conduct an investigation: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to [the alleged perp] on the phone so none of this is useful.
On the critical issue of whether to tip a delivery person who brings sandwiches to the workplace: Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
So, what kind of VP would Schrute make? Here is Schrute’s own description of his tenure as #2 in The Office: I have been Michael’s number-two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like . . . Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like . . . Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
