One of the best ways to avoid needless employment law disputes is to stay in touch with what your employees are thinking, feeling and doing.  As part of our never-ending quest to keep you up-to-speed on the latest developments affecting your workplace, the following is our guide to holidays/celebrations your employees might be observing this month.

Just to make sure you’re paying attention, I have included one made-up day on our list.  The rest are very real.  The first person to send an email to blawg@manpower.com identifying the made-up day will win a valuable prize.

Month-long Celebrations

• International Blondie and Deborah Harry Month
• Air Conditioner Appreciation Days
• National Doghouse Repairs Month
• National Grilling Month

Weekly Celebrations

• International Chicken Wing Week (5-7)
• Be Nice to New Jersey Week (6-12)
• Nude Recreation Week (6-13)
• Rabbit Week (15-21)
• National Make Someone Smile Week (20-26)

Daily Observances

• International Joke Day (1)
• Second Half of the Year Day (1)
• Canada Day (1)
• Praise a Postal Worker Day (1)
• I Forgot Day (2)
• Compliment Your Mirror Day (3)
• Stay Out of the Sun Day (3)
• Independence Day (4)
• Independence from Meat Day (4)
• Workaholic’s Day (5)
• Cherry Pit Spitting Day (5)
• Chocolate Day (7)
• Video Games Day (8)
• Blonde Day (9)
• Don’t Step on a Bee Day (10)
• National Pina Colada Day (10)
• Chicken Day (11)
• Cheer Up the Lonely Day (11)
• Hot Dog Day (12)
• Embrace Your Geekness Day (13)
• Gruntled Workers Day (13)
• Bastille Day (14)
• International Town Criers Day (14)
• Baby Food Day (15)
• Gummi Worm Day (15)
• Respect Canada Day (15)
• Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day (19)
• National Ice Cream Day (20)
• National Lollipop Day (20)
• Cow Appreciation Day (21)
• National Get out of the Doghouse Day (21)
• Rat-catchers Day (22)
• Gorgeous Grandma Day (23)
• Coffee Day (24)
• National Drive-thru Day (24)
• Act Like a Caveman Day (25)
• National Cowboy Day (26)
• Take Your Plants for a Walk Day (27)
• Hula Hoop Day (27)
• Walk on Stilts Day (27)
• Singing Telegram Day (28)
• Accountant’s Day (28)
• Rain Day (29)
• Bring Your Unemployed Relatives to Work Day (30)

What this means for employers.  If your employees suddenly start coming to work nude, saying nice things about New Jersey, acting unusually “gruntled,” bringing bunnies and cows to the office, taking their plants for a walk, yelling “the British are coming,” acting like cavemen, embracing their geekiness, hugging postal workers, Canadians and accountants, grilling hot dogs and chicken wings in their cubes, holding cherry-pit-spitting contests, heaping undue amounts of appreciation on the company’s air conditioner units, playing Call of Duty instead of conducting mid-year evaluations, dying their hair blonde while singing “The Tide is High” and/or guzzling ice cream, chocolate, baby food, gummi worms, lollipops, coffee and pina coladas, now you know why.

Enjoy the month!

(Sources:  holidaysmart.com, emotionscards.com, brownielocks.com)

Our dumb law tour of the U.S. brings us to the great state of California, where:

• employees are not allowed to detonate nuclear devices within city limits
• car wash employees may not utilize used underwear to wipe off vehicles
• employees officially classified as “ugly” may not walk on city streets
• “butterfly molestation” in the workplace may result in a $500 fine
• employees are forbidden from piling horse manure more than six feet high
• a boss and his or her secretary may not be alone in a room
• employees may not wear cowboy boots to work unless they own a minimum of two cows
• spitting is unlawful unless it is more than feet away from other employees (exception:  company softball games, where spitting anywhere, including on other employees, is perfectly lawful)
• company-owned vehicles without a driver may not exceed 60 miles per hour
• snails, sloths and elephants may not be brought into the workplace
• employees may not publicly transport their lunches between 11:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. and/or walk camels between 4:00 and 6:00 p.m.
• employees may not lick toads, drink cement, spill salt, put dogs on elevators or herd more than 2,000 sheep through Hollywood

You have been warned.

(Thanks to the most excellent legal research sites dumblaws.com, crazylaws.com and idiotlaws.com.)

Today’s joke was submitted by Thom Maher of BRC Rubber & Plastics (I made a few slight adjustments to protect the innocent) . . .

A doctor, an HR person and a lawyer were on a cruise ship together.  A bad storm wrecked the ship and left the three as the only survivors.  They drifted in a small life raft for days with no food or water.  The whole time their raft was continually circled by man-eating sharks.

Finally, on the fifth day with all three near death, they saw land way off in the distance.  The doctor said, “One of us needs to try to swim for help.”

The lawyer quickly volunteered.  He jumped over the side of the raft and began swimming through the circling throng of hungry sharks.

The doctor shook his head in disbelief and said, “That was the most selfless act I’ve ever seen in my whole life.”

The HR person spoke up.  “The sharks won’t hurt that man,” he said.

“What makes you say that?” asked the doctor.

Watching the lawyer swim away untouched, the HR person replied, “Professional courtesy.”

Thanks, Thom — we’ll send you a fabulous prize.  (Personally, I think the last line is nothing more than a veiled attempt by the HR person to mask deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and jealousy brought on by the lawyer’s selfless act of heroism.)

As always, feel free to send your lawyer jokes, humorous workplace stories, poems, haikus, recipes or anything else you’d like to share with the world to blawg@manpower.com.

We recently concluded our official countdown of the Top 10 Dumbest/Weirdest/Wackiest Employment Lawsuits of All Time.  For your reading pleasure, we have assembled them all in one handy location here under the “Dumb But Fun Stuff” section of the Blawg.

Enjoy!

The following was received from loyal Blawg reader Dan Szohr.  Not sure if it’s a true story or not.

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 

He asked one of the men, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the man replied.  “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer said.

Turning to the other man, the lawyer said, “You can come with us, too.”

The second man said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me.”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

The men gathered their families and they all piled into the limousine.  Once underway, one of the men turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thanks for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.”

Got a lawyer joke or humorous workplace story you’d like to share?  Just click on the button in the upper left corner.  If we publish it here on the Blawg, we’ll send you a fabulous prize.  Thanks for your participation!

Our dumb law tour of the U.S. brings us to Alabama, where:

• it is unlawful to stab or otherwise maim yourself to gain sympathy from your boss and/or to avoid work
• boogers may not be flicked into the wind
• male employees may not “howl” at female employees, spit in front of them nor attempt to seduce them ”by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage”
• bear wrestling in the workplace is strictly forbidden
• employees may not show up for work in a “substantially nude state”

You have been warned.

(Thanks to the most excellent legal research sites dumb.com, dumblaws.com and crazylaws.com.)

Today is Receptionists Day, National Third-shift Workers Day and — we’re not making this up — Root Canal Appreciation Day.  So, make sure you carve out time from your busy day today to appreciate all three of these fine American institutions.

Earlier today, the Blawg received a personal message from Dr. Chris Kammer (click the link and scroll down to the “Comments” Section), creator of Root Canal Appreciation Day.  He says he created the day to “try and hit a home run for the image of the much maligned root canal that has no voice of its own but saves 37 million teeth every year.”  As the proud owner of two root canals myself, I heartily echo Dr. Kammer’s sentiments and encourage all of you to visit your local dentist this afternoon and undergo the procedure to show your support.

In an appearance last week on The Daily Show, John McCain announced to the world that he has selected a running mate for the upcoming election:  Dwight Schrute of NBC’s The Office.

Click here for the video.  Here’s a transcript of the actual exchange:

McCain:  Listen, I know you’ve been wondering who my vice presidential candidate is going to be.

Jon Stewart:  Let’s hear it.

McCain:  I’ve got it written down.  You ready?

Stewart:  Uh-huh.

McCain:  You heard it here first.

Stewart:  All right.

McCain:  Dwight Schrute.

(Audience erupts with wild applause.)

Just in case McCain wasn’t kidding (and we’re not 100% sure he was), we thought we’d put together a handy guide to Schrute’s views on key HR issues to help educate our readers:

On workplace decision-making:  Whenever I’m about to do something, I think “would an idiot do that?” and if they would, I do not do that thing.

On health care:  In the wild, there is no health care.  In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg.  I can’t run.  A lion eats me and I’m dead.”

On how to motivate new employees:  I am going to be your new boss.  Welcome to the Hotel Hell.  Check-in time is now.  Check-out time is never.

On how to conduct an investigation:  There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying.  The liar will avoid direct eye contact.  The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth.  The liar will perspire.  Unfortunately, I spoke to [the alleged perp] on the phone so none of this is useful.

On the critical issue of whether to tip a delivery person who brings sandwiches to the workplace:  Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself?  I can deliver food.  I can drive a taxi.  I can, and do, cut my own hair.  I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

So, what kind of VP would Schrute make?  Here is Schrute’s own description of his tenure as #2 in The Office:  I have been Michael’s number-two guy for about 5 years.  And we make a great team.  We’re like one of those classic famous teams.  He’s like Mozart and I’m like . . . Mozart’s friend.  No.  I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like . . . Mozart.  You try and hurt Mozart?  You’re gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

As part of our ongoing commitment to providing the finest in employment law education, we’re counting down our Top Ten Wackiest Employment Law Cases.

Here’s Case #2 . . .

Dilbert and the Drunken Lemurs

In a case of art imitating life imitating art, a judge ruled in favor of an employee who was fired after posting a Dilbert cartoon likening managers to “drunken lemurs.”

The Catfish Bend Casino in Burlington, Iowa fired David Steward for posting the cartoon on an office bulletin board shortly after management announced that the casino would be closing and laying off 170 employees.  “Basically,” HR Director Steve Morley testified, “he was accusing the decision-makers of being drunken lemurs.”  “We consider that misconduct when you insult your employer.”

The cartoon depicted the following conversation between Dilbert and a friend:

Dilbert:  Why does it seem as if most of the decisions in my workplace are made by drunken lemurs?

Friend:  Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

Dilbert:  Why are talented people so busy?

Friend:  They’re fixing the problems made by people who have time.

Steward testified that he posted the cartoon because he “thought maybe it would cheer some people up.”  However, it elicited the opposite reaction from management and he was fired three days later for “not being a team player.”

Administrative Law Judge Lynette Donner ruled in favor of Steward, calling his actions a “good-faith error in judgment” rather than intentional misconduct.

Even Dilbert creator Scott Adams weighed in on the decision.  “Most ‘Dilbert’ comics dont’ come right out and call management a bunch of drunken lemurs,” Adams said.  “So I can see how this one might have been a tad over the line.” 

The “art imitating life imitating art” part came shortly thereafter when a series of Dilbert strips lampooned the case.  One strip featured the following exchange:

Boss:  Our surveillance cameras caught you posting this anti-management comic on the wall.  The comic compares managers to drunken lemurs.  Do you think drunken lemurs are like managers.

Wally:  No.  Some lemurs can hold their liquor.

Another one took it a step further:

Catbert:  Wally, I have to fire you for posting a comic comparing managers to drunken lemurs.  You won’t be eligible for unemployment benefits unless you can prove you were stupid as opposed to malicious.  Can you prove you’re stupid?

Wally:  Is there another explanation for working here?

For the entire series of strips, click on the Dilbert icon to the left and scroll back to February 21.

Completely Irrelevant Bonus Information

We conducted a poll to see how our readers felt about the decision.  77% agreed with the judge, 16% disagreed and 7% responded:  What’s a lemur? 

For the benefit of the latter group, Webster’s defines a lemur as: 

any of various arboreal chiefly nocturnal prosimian primates (superfamily Lemuroidea) that were formerly widespread but are now largely confined to Madagascar and that usually have a longish muzzle, large eyes, very soft woolly fur, and a long furry tail.

And, apparently, they can hold their liquor.  Click here for a picture.

As part of our never-ending quest to ensure that you’re up-to-speed on everything affecting your workplace, each month we provide a handy guide to holidays and celebrations your employees might be observing.

For example, everyone knows that today is May Day.  But It’s also the National Day of Prayer.  And Law Day.  And Lei Day, Mother Goose Day, Save the Rhino Day and National Stepmothers Day.  See what you could be missing?

To make sure that you’re paying attention, I have included one made-up day on our list.  The rest are very real.  The first person to send an email to blawg@manpower.com identifying the made-up day will win a valuable prize.

Here’s this month’s list:

Month-long Celebrations

• National Revise Your Work Schedule Month
• National Correct Posture Month
• International Smile Month
• National Egg Month
• National Vinegar Month
• National Barbecue Month

 Weekly Celebrations

• National Fairy Godmother Week (1-7)
• Flexible Work Awareness Week (4-10)
• National Hug Week (4-10)
• National Occupational Safety & Health Week (5-10)
• Intimate Apparel Week (5-9)
• Update Your References Week (5-11)
• National Dog Bite Prevention Week (18-23)
• Week of Solidarity With the People of Non-self-governing Territories (25-31)

Daily Observances

• No Pants Day (2)
• Join Hands Day (3)
• Lumpy Rug Day (3)
• Respect for Chickens Day (4)
• Tuba Day (4)
• No Diet Day (6)
• Great American Grump Out (7)
• No Socks Day (8)
• Eat What You Want Day (11)
• Mother’s Day (11)
• Limerick Day (12)
• National Nutty Fudge Day (12)
• National Third Shift Workers Day (14)
• Receptionists Day (14)
• Root Canal Appreciation Day (14)
• National Chocolate Chip Day (15)
• Nylon Stockings Day (15)
• International Virtual Assistants Day (16)
• National Bike to Work Day (16)
• National Pizza Party Day (16)
• National Sea Monkey Day (16)
• Fishing Has No Boundaries Day (17)
• Whistler’s Mother’s Day (18)
• I Need A Patch For That Day (21)
• National Wait Staff Day (21)
• World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development (21)
• National Taffy Day (23)
• Mesmerism Day (23)
• Tiara Day (24)
• National Tap Dance Day (25)
• National Neighbor Day (25)
• Nerd Pride Day (25)
• Towel Day (26)
• Memorial Day (26)
• International Raise Money For Needy Lawyers Day (27)
• Slugs Return From Capistrano Day (28)
• National Hug Your Cat Day (30)
• World No Tobacco Day (31)

What this means for employers.  If your employees suddenly stop wearing pants and socks and instead start wearing intimate apparel and tiaras, smiling excessively, exhibiting exemplary posture, showing undue respect to chickens, saving rhinos, hugging cats, spouting limericks, honoring Whistler’s mother, appreciating root canals, flattening lumpy rugs, tap dancing in their cubicles, taking pride in their nerdishness, playing the tuba, welcoming returning slugs, joining hands with people from non-self-governing territories, being generally mesmerized and/or ingesting inordinate amounts of eggs, vinegar, barbecue, nutty fudge, chocolate chips, pizza, taffy and sea monkeys, now you know why.

Enjoy the month!

(Sources:  holidaysmart.com, emotionscards.com, brownielocks.com)