In an appearance last week on The Daily Show, John McCain announced to the world that he has selected a running mate for the upcoming election:  Dwight Schrute of NBC’s The Office.

Click here for the video.  Here’s a transcript of the actual exchange:

McCain:  Listen, I know you’ve been wondering who my vice presidential candidate is going to be.

Jon Stewart:  Let’s hear it.

McCain:  I’ve got it written down.  You ready?

Stewart:  Uh-huh.

McCain:  You heard it here first.

Stewart:  All right.

McCain:  Dwight Schrute.

(Audience erupts with wild applause.)

Just in case McCain wasn’t kidding (and we’re not 100% sure he was), we thought we’d put together a handy guide to Schrute’s views on key HR issues to help educate our readers:

On workplace decision-making:  Whenever I’m about to do something, I think “would an idiot do that?” and if they would, I do not do that thing.

On health care:  In the wild, there is no health care.  In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg.  I can’t run.  A lion eats me and I’m dead.”

On how to motivate new employees:  I am going to be your new boss.  Welcome to the Hotel Hell.  Check-in time is now.  Check-out time is never.

On how to conduct an investigation:  There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying.  The liar will avoid direct eye contact.  The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth.  The liar will perspire.  Unfortunately, I spoke to [the alleged perp] on the phone so none of this is useful.

On the critical issue of whether to tip a delivery person who brings sandwiches to the workplace:  Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself?  I can deliver food.  I can drive a taxi.  I can, and do, cut my own hair.  I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

So, what kind of VP would Schrute make?  Here is Schrute’s own description of his tenure as #2 in The Office:  I have been Michael’s number-two guy for about 5 years.  And we make a great team.  We’re like one of those classic famous teams.  He’s like Mozart and I’m like . . . Mozart’s friend.  No.  I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like . . . Mozart.  You try and hurt Mozart?  You’re gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

As part of our ongoing commitment to providing the finest in employment law education, we’re counting down our Top Ten Wackiest Employment Law Cases.

Here’s Case #2 . . .

Dilbert and the Drunken Lemurs

In a case of art imitating life imitating art, a judge ruled in favor of an employee who was fired after posting a Dilbert cartoon likening managers to “drunken lemurs.”

The Catfish Bend Casino in Burlington, Iowa fired David Steward for posting the cartoon on an office bulletin board shortly after management announced that the casino would be closing and laying off 170 employees.  “Basically,” HR Director Steve Morley testified, “he was accusing the decision-makers of being drunken lemurs.”  “We consider that misconduct when you insult your employer.”

The cartoon depicted the following conversation between Dilbert and a friend:

Dilbert:  Why does it seem as if most of the decisions in my workplace are made by drunken lemurs?

Friend:  Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

Dilbert:  Why are talented people so busy?

Friend:  They’re fixing the problems made by people who have time.

Steward testified that he posted the cartoon because he “thought maybe it would cheer some people up.”  However, it elicited the opposite reaction from management and he was fired three days later for “not being a team player.”

Administrative Law Judge Lynette Donner ruled in favor of Steward, calling his actions a “good-faith error in judgment” rather than intentional misconduct.

Even Dilbert creator Scott Adams weighed in on the decision.  “Most ‘Dilbert’ comics dont’ come right out and call management a bunch of drunken lemurs,” Adams said.  “So I can see how this one might have been a tad over the line.” 

The “art imitating life imitating art” part came shortly thereafter when a series of Dilbert strips lampooned the case.  One strip featured the following exchange:

Boss:  Our surveillance cameras caught you posting this anti-management comic on the wall.  The comic compares managers to drunken lemurs.  Do you think drunken lemurs are like managers.

Wally:  No.  Some lemurs can hold their liquor.

Another one took it a step further:

Catbert:  Wally, I have to fire you for posting a comic comparing managers to drunken lemurs.  You won’t be eligible for unemployment benefits unless you can prove you were stupid as opposed to malicious.  Can you prove you’re stupid?

Wally:  Is there another explanation for working here?

For the entire series of strips, click on the Dilbert icon to the left and scroll back to February 21.

Completely Irrelevant Bonus Information

We conducted a poll to see how our readers felt about the decision.  77% agreed with the judge, 16% disagreed and 7% responded:  What’s a lemur? 

For the benefit of the latter group, Webster’s defines a lemur as: 

any of various arboreal chiefly nocturnal prosimian primates (superfamily Lemuroidea) that were formerly widespread but are now largely confined to Madagascar and that usually have a longish muzzle, large eyes, very soft woolly fur, and a long furry tail.

And, apparently, they can hold their liquor.  Click here for a picture.

As part of our never-ending quest to ensure that you’re up-to-speed on everything affecting your workplace, each month we provide a handy guide to holidays and celebrations your employees might be observing.

For example, everyone knows that today is May Day.  But It’s also the National Day of Prayer.  And Law Day.  And Lei Day, Mother Goose Day, Save the Rhino Day and National Stepmothers Day.  See what you could be missing?

To make sure that you’re paying attention, I have included one made-up day on our list.  The rest are very real.  The first person to send an email to blawg@manpower.com identifying the made-up day will win a valuable prize.

Here’s this month’s list:

Month-long Celebrations

• National Revise Your Work Schedule Month
• National Correct Posture Month
• International Smile Month
• National Egg Month
• National Vinegar Month
• National Barbecue Month

 Weekly Celebrations

• National Fairy Godmother Week (1-7)
• Flexible Work Awareness Week (4-10)
• National Hug Week (4-10)
• National Occupational Safety & Health Week (5-10)
• Intimate Apparel Week (5-9)
• Update Your References Week (5-11)
• National Dog Bite Prevention Week (18-23)
• Week of Solidarity With the People of Non-self-governing Territories (25-31)

Daily Observances

• No Pants Day (2)
• Join Hands Day (3)
• Lumpy Rug Day (3)
• Respect for Chickens Day (4)
• Tuba Day (4)
• No Diet Day (6)
• Great American Grump Out (7)
• No Socks Day (8)
• Eat What You Want Day (11)
• Mother’s Day (11)
• Limerick Day (12)
• National Nutty Fudge Day (12)
• National Third Shift Workers Day (14)
• Receptionists Day (14)
• Root Canal Appreciation Day (14)
• National Chocolate Chip Day (15)
• Nylon Stockings Day (15)
• International Virtual Assistants Day (16)
• National Bike to Work Day (16)
• National Pizza Party Day (16)
• National Sea Monkey Day (16)
• Fishing Has No Boundaries Day (17)
• Whistler’s Mother’s Day (18)
• I Need A Patch For That Day (21)
• National Wait Staff Day (21)
• World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development (21)
• National Taffy Day (23)
• Mesmerism Day (23)
• Tiara Day (24)
• National Tap Dance Day (25)
• National Neighbor Day (25)
• Nerd Pride Day (25)
• Towel Day (26)
• Memorial Day (26)
• International Raise Money For Needy Lawyers Day (27)
• Slugs Return From Capistrano Day (28)
• National Hug Your Cat Day (30)
• World No Tobacco Day (31)

What this means for employers.  If your employees suddenly stop wearing pants and socks and instead start wearing intimate apparel and tiaras, smiling excessively, exhibiting exemplary posture, showing undue respect to chickens, saving rhinos, hugging cats, spouting limericks, honoring Whistler’s mother, appreciating root canals, flattening lumpy rugs, tap dancing in their cubicles, taking pride in their nerdishness, playing the tuba, welcoming returning slugs, joining hands with people from non-self-governing territories, being generally mesmerized and/or ingesting inordinate amounts of eggs, vinegar, barbecue, nutty fudge, chocolate chips, pizza, taffy and sea monkeys, now you know why.

Enjoy the month!

(Sources:  holidaysmart.com, emotionscards.com, brownielocks.com)

Here are the latest lawyer jokes we’ve received from our loyal readers:

Q:  What’s the difference between a carp and a lawyer?

A:  One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.

Very nice.  I’m so proud that my profession is held in such high esteem.  Here’s another one:

Q:  How many lawyer jokes are there?

A:  Only two.  The rest are true stories.

Thanks for the above go to Jack Leebron.  The funny thing is that Jack himself is a lawyer — nice to find another lawyer who can laugh at himself.  For his efforts, Jack will be rewarded with an exclusive Manpower coffee mug.  Thanks again, Jack!

If you have a lawyer joke or humorous workplace story you’d like to share, just click on the button at the upper left.  If it’s remotely humorous, we’ll award you a fabulous prize and maybe even publish it here on the Blawg.

We’ve received some rather interesting new additions to our Worst Interview Ever list.  Here are the three most recent entries.  The full list can be found here.

• A candidate requested water during an interview.  The interviewer discovered that he was out of cups and excused himself to get some more.  While the interviewer was gone, the candidate showed that he was a self-starter by fishing through the interviewer’s garbage can and finding a cup on his own.  The interviewer returned to find the candidate happily sipping out of a up with a giant lipstick smear across it.
• An HR manager informed a candidate that he had to take a drug test.  She handed him a cup and pointed him toward the bathroom.  The candidate returned a few minutes later with a cup full of poop.  Flustered, the manager gave him another cup and instructed him to pee into it.  The candidate indicated that he understood and went back to the bathroom.  A few minutes later he returned and handed the manager a second cup of poop.  Despite his efforts, he didn’t get the job.
• An HR manager interviewed the niece of a VP as a favor.  She was instructed to ”just interview her and see if we can stick her somewhere.”  The candidate showed up dressed inappropriately and spent the entire interview cleaning out her purse, barely acknowledging the interviewer’s existence.  When the interview finally concluded, the manager stood to shake the candidate’s hand.  The candidate responded by shoving all the trash she had cleaned out of her purse into the manager’s open hand, asking, ”Would you mind throwing this away for me?”  Despite the HR manager’s less-than-glowing review, the candidate was awarded a position in Marketing.

If you have a “worst interview ever” story that you’d like to share, just click on the button at the upper left of the Blawg. 

Thanks for your participation!

As part of our ongoing commitment to providing the finest in employment law education, we’re counting down our Top Ten Wackiest Employment Law Cases.

Here’s Case #3 . . .

Diary of a Slacker

An Iowa judge denied unemployment benefits to a hotel employee who was fired for keeping a journal that described her truly impressive efforts to avoid work.

Emmalee Bauer, sales coordinator for the Des Moines Sheraton, made the following entries in a 300-page journal she kept on her work computer:

• I am going to be typing all my thoughts instead of writing all day.  That way, there isn’t any way to tell for sure if I am working really hard or I am just goofing off. 
• This typing thing seems to be doing the trick.  It looks like I’m hard at work on something very important.
• I am going to sit right her and play Elf Bowling or some other nonsense.  Once lunch is over, I will come right back to writing to piddle away the rest of the afternoon.
• I just have to get through the next seven hours and forty-six minutes and then I will be free.
• I don’t feel like doing a single worthwhile thing today.  It’s 11:00 and so far I have stuck to that.
• It’s noon already and I don’t feel like I have accomplished a [expletive deleted] thing.  Accomplishment is overrated, anyway.
• I have managed to waste half of the day doing nothing constructive.  That isn’t exactly an easy task, either.
• I have an hour of time that needs to be wasted — I mean “spent wisely.”  I know that’s a crock.  I am only here for the money and, lately, for the printer access.
• I haven’t really accomplished anything in a long while . . . and I am still getting paid more than I have ever had before.  It’s actually quite nice when I think of it that way.  I can shop online, play games and read message boards and still get paid for it.

Not too shockingly, the judge concluded that Bauer’s writings evidenced a refusal to work and “amusement at getting away with it.”

Bauer reportedly is seeking a publisher for her journal so that she can share her work tips with the rest of the world.

(Sources:  Des Moines Register, cbsnews.com)

We recently introduced a brand-new feature:  the world’s first interactive HR-themed online novel, entitled Bob Sits in His Cube (And Other Exciting Adventures).

Click here or on the button at the upper left corner to view the first installment.  At the end of that section, we offer you a chance to help make literary history by telling us what happens next.

I’m happy to report that we’ve already received several intriguing suggestions.  Here are some of the more creative ones:

• Edna is a member of the infamous radically violent nudist colony Snow Bunnies for Peace.  I propose that [inappropriately graphic content deleted].
• As Bob sits down in Edna’s office to fire her, Edna messily devours him.  The rest of the novel chronicles Bob’s perilous escape from the depths of Edna’s intestinal labyrinth.
• After Bob fires her, Edna starts crying but they are tears of joy — she has been planning for retirement and now with her extensive stock options and well funded 401(k) she can retire and travel the world and won’t have to deal with the impending harassment case of the CEO, etc., etc.

If you have a suggestion, please submit it to blawg@manpower.com by the end of the day Friday.  We’ll take ‘em all into consideration as we write the next chapter.

Thanks for your participation!

Mark

Our dumb law tour of the U.S. brings us to Indiana, where:

• employees who perform ”puppet shows, wire dancing or tumbling acts” in the workplace could subject the company to a $3 fine under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices
• barbers are prohibited from threatening to cut off kids’ ears
• employees may not be required to dye, stain or otherwise alter the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit
• bathing is prohibited in Winter
• mustaches are illegal if the wearer “habitually kisses other humans”
• monkeys are banned from smoking in the workplace

You have been warned.

(Thanks to dumblaws.com and crazylaws.com)

Tomorrow, after a long hiatus due to the writers’ strike, NBC’s The Office is back on the air. 

In my humble opinion, The Office is the single greatest HR and employment law training aid in the history of mankind.  All you have to do is (1) watch it and (2) do the exact opposite of what everyone on the show does.

In honor of this occasion, the following is a “greatest hits” of lessons learned from past episodes:

• Workplace Romance Can Lead to Disaster.  Virtually every character on the show has been romantically linked to one of their fellow employees.  And virtually every time disaster results.  We asked our readers for their opinions on office romance — click here to see the results.
• Love Contracts:  Good or Bad?  On a similar note, one episode prominently featured a “love contract” between Michael Scott, the office boss, and his superior, Jan.  That episode sparked a national debate on the issue.  Click here to see what our readers (and I) had to say about this topic.
• Don’t Let Managers Create Their Own Training.  Michael reacts to virtually every crisis by calling everyone into a conference room and creating his own (usually disastrous) brand of training right there on the spot.  The worst example was his homemade diversity training, which still has me cringing.  Click here for a discussion of the right way to approach diversity training.
• Booze and Work Don’t Mix.  Several episodes feature Michael intentionally “liquoring up” his employees.  The most infamous was an episode in which Michael hosted a “Booze Cruise.”  Our suggestion:  If you’re going to serve liquor at a company function, ensure that you have a way to limit consumption (e.g., drink coupons).  And, whatever you do, make sure you keep all drunken employees (especially the boss) away from any microphones.
• Think Long and Hard Before Letting Employees Blog.  Creed, an employee who says something inappropriate in every sentence, has his own company-sponsored blog.  Our suggestion:  if you’re going to allow companies to blog on the company’s behalf, make sure you have clear guidelines that are consistently enforced.  If not, you run the risk of someone like myself running amok, making stupid videos, telling bad lawyer jokes, etc.

The new special hour-long episode airs tomorrow at 9:00 p.m. Eastern.  Enjoy! 

Among the many undeniably valuable contributions that lawyers make to society, here’s one you almost never hear people talk about: 

LAWYERS SAVE LIVES

That’s right.  We save lives every day — probably more than all the doctors and nurses on the planet combined.  We’re just too modest to toot our own horn.

How?  Close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without . . . WARNING LABELS. 

It was horrible, wasn’t it?  People poking their eyes out, crashing into each other, setting themselves on fire, blowing things up.  All of these potential disasters are averted every day by humble lawyers cramming big words onto tiny labels that no one will ever read.

So, without further ado, here’s the second in our series of . . .

GREATEST HITS OF LAWYER-DRAFTED WARNING LABELS

• Collapsible baby stroller:  Remove child before folding
• CD player:  Do not use as a projectile in a catapult
• Fireplace log:  Caution — risk of fire
• Toilet bowl brush:  Do not use orally
• Wheelbarrow:  Not for highway use
• Fuel tank cap:  Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level
• Mattress:  Do not attempt to swallow

I rest my case.  Stay tuned for more.

(Thanks to the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (mlaw.org), Dumb Network (dumbwarnings.com) and Unusually Stupid Americans by Kathryn and Ross Petras)